There is a sea and I am a captain
Of something unknown, waves high as mountains
There is a key and there is a lie
Here’s to times that I catch it
May it last through the night
From “May It Last”
Song by the Avett Brothers
This chorus makes me feel. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it means but it evokes such a bittersweet doubtful hope. Or hopeful doubtfulness. Or both maybe depending on the moment in time you are listening to it.
I have been going through a weird time. I’ve accomplished a ton of my life goals in the last few years. I’ve graduated from college. Gotten my dream job. I’ve gotten married. Moved to the big city and live in great apartment in a great neighborhood. But now I’m in a constant state of wondering – what are my goals now?
I have some professional goals of course but what are my goals for myself and for my family?
I don’t want kids. I question whether I would be a good parent and even if I would be a good parent, do I want to be? Do I need to have my own kids to be fulfilled in my life? Right now the answer is no. My husband is in the same boat. We just don’t see that path in our future. I may change my mind as literally everyone around me tells me. Yes, of course because all women have kids. It’s our primary function. Yes, thank you for reminding me that my only goal in life should be to have 2.2 kids that take care of me in my old age. Great.
But I do have kids in my life. They just aren’t mine. And I love them and I appreciate them and I go to the park and birthday parties and I hope to read them some of my favorite stories when they are a little older. I’m a great Auntie to all of my friends’ children. I want to be and Auntie for all of the kids I’m sure my friends will have in the future, but being a mom was never on my to-do list.
So what other goals do I make for myself?
I want a big house for entertaining and having guests. I want to go on vacations with Morgan and I want to continue our fabulous life. I want to finish paying off my student loans. I want all of these financial goals for better stability but I don’t “need” them. I have just been struggling with the want for a bigger goal in my life.
I will have to start studying for my professional licensure exam this fall so I will get a brief reprieve from needing a new goal but after I get a license what’s next? So with this feeling I have been in and out of this funk. The Avett Brothers album has made so much sense to me during this time. They have gone through far harder times but I still get the feeling out of the album of “what’s next?”
May It last through the night…
This line gives me hope. I’m going to try to view my wide open future as an opportunity. I like to have plans because they make me comfortable. Winging it has never been my strong suit. But I don’t really have many plans to go on right now because I don’t really need to have any. My life is in a good place, may it last. But if it takes a turn, I know I have the best people in my corner. My family, my husband, and my friends who would all do anything for me and I anything for them.
I am slowly knitting through this feeling and it’s getting easier. I finished my Eiffelgold, it just needs the ends woven in. Maybe this weekend I’ll finally get it and my Waiting for Rain on the blocking boards. I have added 3 whole inches to the sleeves of my Stasis Pullover sweater. It’s like the sleeves that never end. They go on and on and on….
I also recently sat and spun a few ounces of my fleece before remembering that I really need more bobbins for my wheel.
Life continues and so will the knitting. I hope you all have a good week!
-S